ASK THE EXPERTS
Top Ten Tips for Handling Child Custody Cases Involving Domestic Violence
By Loretta Frederick, JD and Gabrielle Davis, JD
Recent research confirms what many experienced practitioners know: intimate partner violence can have serious effects on children who are directly exposed to the violence or who are living with parents who use violence and coercive controls to manage family relationships. Increasingly, practitioners recognize that they need to know whether these potentially damaging qualities are present in families and to handle cases in a way that decreases future harm to children and victim parents. But not all domestic violence affects children or adult victims in the same ways and, therefore, parenting arrangements must be tailored to reflect the actual experiences of each family member, especially each child. The following are tips for ensuring that children exposed to domestic violence have safe and healthy futures.
Determine the context and full meaning of the violence to the family. Recognizing that not all domestic violence is the same, it is important to find out: (a) what the perpetrator intended by the violence, including whether the purpose of the violence was to terrorize, dominate and control; (b) what meaning the victim parent takes from the violence; and (c) what effect the violence has on the victim parent and the children. Identifying coercive controlling abuse is particularly critical because such abusers often parent in ways that have lasting negative effects on children and make joint parenting very problematic.
Screen every case for domestic violence. Even though it seems counter-intuitive, many true victims (even those who have experienced ongoing and serious domestic violence) decline to disclose it to custody practitioners, even their own attorneys. Some victims feel that no one will believe them, some do not understand why it would be relevant, some have been told not to raise the issue, and some fear repercussions from disclosure. Many will disclose only after time and following the establishment of trust with the practitioner, so screening at various points in the case can be helpful.
Use screening tools or guides to help you screen for domestic violence and to assess the full implications of the violence for future parenting arrangements. Recent research confirms that relying on one’s own clinical instinct or “gut feeling” to decide whether domestic violence is an issue in a case is not a trustworthy screening method, even for experienced professionals. Asking behavior-specific questions is more likely to uncover domestic violence and elicit full disclosure than asking general questions. There are many screening tools and guides available to practitioners, some of which have been designed to meet specific needs, such as risk or danger assessment, or to be applied in limited practice settings, such as mediation.
For the purpose of considering what dispute resolution methods will be most appropriate and helpful in a case, understand the features and characteristics of the domestic violence. Not all cases are equally well-suited for certain dispute resolution alternatives. For example, coercive controlling abusers focused on domination may be ill-suited to participate in facilitative processes that require good faith negotiation, full disclosure, and centralizing the interests of the children. Domestic abuse may also affect decisions about the best timing for moving from one stage of dispute resolution to another in the case.
Ensure that parenting arrangements account for the connection between the features of the domestic violence (including its severity and context) and the parenting of the abusive parent. Because the decision to use violence against a partner may also signal problematic or even dangerous attitudes and beliefs about parenting and children, it is critical to explore the extent to which the abusive parent has engaged in behaviors that have negative effects on the children. Familiarize yourself with the ground-breaking writing that has been done in the last few years on this topic. Learn about how adult victims of domestic violence can have parenting problems that may relate directly to the abuse and what kinds of interventions can have the most benefit for the children’s long-term welfare and welfare of the other non-violent or secondarily violent parent. Remember when considering the propriety and workability of co-parenting arrangements that a history of coercive controlling abuse raises red flags.
Recognize and account for the fact that families that have experienced domestic violence are often drawn into multiple, sometimes conflicting systems. Domestic violence cases are simultaneously or serially processed across multiple systems, including the criminal justice system, civil legal system, child protection system, healthcare system, government benefit system, and various social service systems. The interventions offered across these systems are often fragmented and poorly coordinated. For instance, the criminal justice system often expects a victim parent to leave and testify against the abuser. The child protection system often expects that same victim to obtain a protection order to keep the abuser away from the children. At the same time, the family court system might expect the victim parent to foster a close and continuing relationship between the children and their other parent. These competing expectations can create impossible conflicts for the abused parent. The parent cannot simultaneously insist on having no contact with the abuser and maintain close and continuing contact with the abuser at the very same time. Practitioners must be mindful that multiple intervention systems have the potential for creating conflicting expectations for parties and sending mixed messages to all family members.
Be mindful of the past, focused on the present and realistic about the future. Longstanding patterns of abuse and coercive control are rarely altered in the absence of appropriate and proven interventions. Some abusers never change, although many can with help and as an outcome of accountability measures which encourage them to think differently about how they relate to their children and partners. It is important to resist the assumption that parenting problems related to domestic violence will evaporate simply because the relationship between the parents is dissolved. Instead, help to create a parenting arrangement that is realistic and workable and considers all relevant factors, including the behavior and characteristics of the abusive parent and what it says about his or her likely future approach to parenting.
Centralize and focus on the real life experiences and needs of each parent and child, including the risks presented or faced by them. Attempt to see the system and the world from the perspectives of each parent and child and account for their actual concerns in resolving the matter instead of succumbing to the temptation to jump to conclusions about what the child and parent have experienced and what they need.
Respect people’s ability to make their own critical life decisions, including the methods for current and future dispute resolution they prefer. Facilitate the restoration of a domestic violence victim’s agency and autonomy by providing full information and helping them to weigh their options.
Make referrals to appropriate services, including detailed risk assessment and individualized safety planning whenever domestic violence is identified. About half of all domestic violence deaths were not foreseen or feared by the victim. Information about risk factors can make all the difference in a victim’s ability to protect herself or himself from serious injury.
Divorced: Can you Qualify for your Spouses Benefits?
How does a divorced spouse qualify for benefits?
A person can receive benefits as a divorced spouse on a former spouse’s Social Security record if he or she:
- Was married to the former spouse for at least 10 years;
- Is at least age 62 years old;
- Is unmarried; and
- Is not entitled to a higher Social Security benefit on his or her own record.
In addition, the former spouse must be entitled to receive his or her own retirement or disability benefit. If the former spouse is eligible for a benefit, but has not yet applied for it, the divorced spouse can still receive a benefit if he or she meets the eligibility requirements above and has been divorced from the former spouse for at least two years.
Generally, we cannot pay benefits if the divorced spouse remarries someone other than the former spouse, unless the latter marriage ends (whether by death, divorce, or annulment), or the marriage is to a person entitled to certain types of Social Security auxiliary or survivor’s benefits.
A person can receive benefits as a surviving divorced spouse on the Social Security record of a former spouse who died fully insured, if he or she:
- Is at least age 60, or age 50 and disabled;
- Was married to the former spouse for at least 10 years; and
- Is not entitled to a higher Social Security benefit on his or her own record.
If the surviving divorced spouse age 60 or over applying for benefits remarried after age 60, or after age 50 and at the time of remarriage was entitled to disability benefits, we disregard the marriage. If a person is already entitled to benefits as an aged or disabled surviving divorced spouse and remarries, benefits continue regardless of the person’s age at the time of remarriage.
The benefits paid to a divorced spouse or a surviving divorced spouse will not affect the benefit amount paid to other family members who receive benefits on the same record.
If you would like to receive an estimate of benefits you may receive as a divorced spouse or a surviving divorced spouse, you may contact our representatives at our toll-free number, 1-800-772-1213. They may be able to provide you with this information over the telephone. If you prefer, you may visit one of our offices. You can get the address and directions to your nearest office from the Social Security Office Locator that is available on the Internet.
If you are looking for other resources, check out Jeff at www.Johnson-Mediation.com to find those resources you need. Or call Jeff at 612 770-4895 for a free one hour consultation. Help is just a click or phone call away!
Divorce: Are you Spouse A or Spouse B?
Spouse A is the one initiating the divorce. Often times one person has been thinking about divorce for a long time and going through their own grief process before sharing the news that they want a divorce. When the announcement is made that Spouse A wants a divorce, usually Spouse A wants to move quickly and complete the paperwork so they can move on. Unfortunately Spouse B, the person being left, is beginning the grief process and isn’t ready to move quickly. They need to deal with the news in their own way.
Spouse B is the one that either doesn’t want the divorce or is the one being left. Once Spouse B is informed their marriage is over it takes some time to work through the grief process. They are usually trying to play catch-up with their spouse who has been thinking and planning for some time. Rarely are both parties in the same place emotionally while going through a divorce
As a mediator I am helping both parties through the process of divorce while paying attention to where each of them are in relation to their emotions. The five stages are:
The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:[2]
- Denial — “I feel fine.”; “This can’t be happening, not to me.” Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death.
- Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; ‘”Who is to blame?” Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.
- Bargaining — “I’ll do anything for a few more years.”; “I will give my life savings if…” The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, “I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time…”
- Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die soon so what’s the point… What’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?” During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
- Acceptance — “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.” In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event.
If you are either Spouse A or Spouse B and have questions about the benefits of Mediation over Litigation. Contact me at www.Johnson-Mediation.com or call me at 952 401-7599. I offer a FREE ONE HOUR CONSUTATION.
Jeff Johnson - Focused on You, your Family, and your Future!
Anger Management & Divorce Mediation (Part 1 of 2)
We all get angry at some point. In general, it is healthy to express one’s anger in appropriate ways. Holding it in often leads to physical ailments and depression. The positive aspects of anger are that it can enable us to realize and address a problem, rectify a hurt, or take some other action. However, excessive anger and inappropriate actions from it are problematic to you personally and to those around you. We know from medical studies that excessive anger can lead to high blood pressure and increased heart rate. When triggered often, anger increases the release of stress hormones that are harmful to us. Internalizing anger can also lead to the additional ailments of depression and high anxiety.
During a divorce, there is likely to be a great deal of hurt and arguing between you and your spouse. Anger is a frequent experience. When someone is emotionally wounded, they often lash out at the person who they perceive committed a wrong against them. When in an angered state our raw emotions are so near the surface that we may yell at those close to us, while not addressing the cause of our anger. It is important to manage your anger for your own well being, as well as for the well being of your children. Think about how scary it is to witness somebody whose anger leads to them to become out of control. Imagine how a child feels when he or she witnesses a parent whose anger is excessive and destructive. The child views the parent as a caregiver, and a role model. A child witnessing a parent’s angry outburst is terribly frightening to the child and cause him or her to have long term damage to their emotional health.
(Source: 2009 Montclair Divorce Mediation)
Is Divorce in Your Future?
If you play golf and take a golf cart on the Chaska Town Course you will see a pop-up ad that asks you that question on both the front and back nine.
Isn’t that an unconventional way to reach a target audience? Well, maybe. I teach Divorce Parenting Classes in Carver County for Parents Forever with my wife and in every class someone says, “I wish I would have known about Mediation when I started my divorce!” The problem is that many people don’t know about Mediation as an option. No one ever says, “Do you know a good Divorce Mediator?” Most people ask for a good divorce attorney.
Many couples that are contemplating or have made the decision to divorce don’t need an adversarial attorney to help them with their divorce. Since an attorney can only represent one party or the other, in the traditional approach both parties end of getting an attorney. With retainer fees from $2,000 to $5,000 for each attorney, the couple spends between $4,000 to $10,000 just to get started.
An Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) process is Mediation. I would argue that Mediation should be a PDR (Preferred Dispute Resolution) process. Mediation should be the first call to help with your divorce. Since a Mediator can work with both parties to facilitate the conversations and guide you through the process it saves time, money and helps transition the couple from marriage partners to parenting partners.
To try and get the word out directly to those thinking about divorce you need to find creative ways to help educate people on the options they have. So remember, if you are contemplating divorce or just need to talk to someone, look for a mediator that will give you an hour of free time to give you information for you to make informed decisions.
Divorce is the 2nd most stressful time in your life. Don’t make it harder than it needs to be! Contact Johnson Mediation at 952 401-7599 today! You will be glad you did.
Divorce: Oh by the way, what do your kids need?
“My schedule is my life!” I want, I want, I want….. but what do your kids want? What do -our kids need?
Too many couples that are coming into my office talk about all the things they want but are not thinking about what is in the best interest of the kids. There is a big focus to separate from the spouse and move on to the next chapter of their life but often they lose sight of the fact they still have responsibilities for their children and need to develop a schedule that works for them AND for their children.
Many couples going through divorce need to think about what is in the best interest of the kids and then develop a schedule that supports those needs. Mediators can provide couples with Parenting Plans that take into consideration the age of the kids and what they need at different developmental ages. Even if you are working with an attorney, make sure you ask for a detailed parenting plan to build the best plan you can for you and your parenting partner to co-parent in the future.
If you have questions or need help, contact a mediator that provides an hour free consultation to help educate you on your options and get you the resources you need. If you are going through divorce, take the following 3 steps:
-
Work out what you can with your spouse and write down your agreements
-
Work with a Mediator to guide you through all the information you need to get a divorce and to work through items you and your spouse don’t agree on
-
Once you have a Mediated Agreement, then either file yourself or have an attorney draft up the paperwork for you.
Following these three steps will save money, time, and since you and your partner built it together you will have a plan that both of you can live with.
Johnson Mediation offers a FREE ONE HOUR CONSULTATION for you to learn more. Call or email today. 952 401-7599 www.Johnson-Mediation.com
Divorce Mediators need to help clients on 3 levels
Successful Mediators need to be able to help on 3 levels at the same time. Couples going through divorce need to navigate the emotional, logistical, and legal aspects of divorce.
There are 5 stages of grief that couples going through divorce will experience. These stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. These stages may or may not occur in order and the two parties will go through these stages in different ways and at different times. As a mediator, you need to be able to tailor your approach individually to each party and be cognizant of where each of them is at in the grief cycle.
There are so many logistical items to address for the couple that is transitioning from being a married couple to being single again. If they are parents, they will transition from a marriage partnership to a parenting partnership. Even though the marriage ends they will always be parents and need to find a way to work together to focus on the children. The mediator needs to be well versed in all the items that need to be addressed and should provide a logistical checklist for each of them to use so they know all the items that need to be done.
There are a number of areas that need to be addressed for a divorce to be legally granted. The marital property needs to be divided, individual expenses for each party and their children need to covered, and a solid parenting plan needs to be tailored to the couple’s needs. The mediator needs to keep current with the legal trends of the court and ensure the mediated agreement covers all the necessary legal areas for a comprehensive Memorandum of Agreements.
If you live in Eden Prairie, Wayzata, Minnetonka, Chanhassen, Chaska, Shakopee, or surrounding communities, you are a short drive from Johnson Mediation in Chanhassen MN. Johnson Mediation offers a FREE ONE HOUR CONSULTATION for you learn more about mediation on how it can help you stay in control. Call today for your free appointment 952 401-7599.
Divorce: The Grief Process
Divorce is said to be the second hardest life event you will ever face. I contend it is the hardest!
Whether you are Spouse A, the one who is initiating the divorce, or Spouse B, the one who is told by your spouse they don’t want to be married anymore, it is a very difficult time in your life. Each of you will be going through a grief process but not in the same way and not at the same time.
The 5 stages of grief include:
- Shock
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Spouse A may travel all the way through these stages and be in acceptance before Spouse B even begins the process.
Spouse B may even think the marriage is getting better when their spouse arrives in acceptance because at that point Spouse A has resigned themselves to the fact the marriage if over and they often give up the fight and try and find ways to make it easier to exit the marriage.
Spouse B is just about to start on the journey when they are told their spouse wants out of the marriage. First comes the shock, then anger, then bargaining, then depression or sadness, and finally acceptance at some point.
If you are Spouse A, have patience and let your Spouse go through the grief process in their own way. Often times, Spouse A wants Spouse B to hurry up and catch up. “I am accepting this is over, why can’t you?” Give them time. You have probably been thinking and working through this for months if not years.
If you are Spouse B, know that things happen for a reason. It isn’t easy to know what that reason is when you are in the Shock and Anger stages. The reasons may not become apparent for years later but someday you will have clarity.
Whether you are Spouse A or Spouse B, don’t get wrapped up in the adversarial process and work against each other. This is not a win/lose process. You need to work together on a plan that works for each of you independently. Interview a number of Mediators to find one that you can work with. Just like attorneys, there are good and not so good mediators.
If you have children you will always be connected as parents. Find a way to move from a marriage partnership to a parenting partnership. You will be glad you did.
If I can be of any help, please contact me at www.Johnson-Mediation.com
Divorce: For Better or Bitter
Whether you were the person that initiated the divorce or was told by your spouse they no longer wanted to be married anymore, you have choices on how to live your life going forward. You need to ask yourself, do you want to live in the past and continue to blame your former spouse or do you want to move on and focus on having a better life?
When you focus on the past, you tend to use a lot of your time and energy to try and change things you can’t control. Were you able to change your former spouse during the marriage? What makes you think you can change them now? If too much time is spent blaming others and not taking responsibility you can become bitter.
When you focus on the future, you take control of your life. How much time are you thinking about writing the next chapter of your life? Are you focused on positive things? Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do about it. If you take responsibility of what you own, stop blaming someone else, and move on, your life can be better.
If you are going through a divorce or are already divorced, will your life be better or bitter?
The choice is up to you.
The following poem is one of my favorites:
Attitude
by Charles Swindoll [wikipedia.org]
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company … a church … a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude … I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you … we are in charge of our Attitudes.
